Jesus Take the Wheel

I constantly have ideas rambling through my head that I would love to blog about. Rarely do I actually make the time to sit down and write. I suppose this is some type of flaw in my nature or rather just a way of prioritizing that reflects where my life is currently.
Anyway, I'm reading a lot of books right now...Blue Like Jazz, Velvet Elvis, Battlefield of the Mind, Get out of that Pit. Let me just say, while I enjoy listening to Joyce Meyers now and then, I am really having trouble reading her book. It's not that her conclusions are necessarily wrong, but her means of getting to them is utterly annoying. They follow no pattern of legitimate study, but random cross referencing of different versions (interpretations) of the Bible. Maybe I'm being an academic snob. I'm trying not to be. At least I haven't given up reading it all together. Blue Like Jazz is great reading. So far, I'm a big fan of his writing style. I'm only a chapter into Velvet Elvis. I have yet to make any conclusions. Although, my first observation is his poignant use of analogy.
Ok. So, other than that, I've discovered an amazing thing about God's grace. Well, I say God's grace. Let me explain. Just when you think things can't get any worse, the sinking ship gets another hole (how's that for analogy). So, I'm not sure if it's God's grace, denial or an acceptance that this is life and who wants to live life unhappy or feeling like it's always a struggle. That is why I use the analogy of the sinking ship with another hole. When the ship is going under anyway, does one more hole really matter all that much or make the ship sink any faster. Personally, I think not. It may be delirium, but I choose to think that this hole is allowing the water that's in the boat to seep out, thus making the ship sink less quickly. A-HA! It is my hope that the dreary posts of the beginning of this year will be replaced with much lighter and enjoyable observations about life. This is life. I think I agree with anyone who says that life is 90% attitude and 10% what happens to you. Life isn't changing much around here. I'm not sure that life does...Solomon was wise, he didn't seem to think it changed much at all. I think life changes when we see it differently. We are all in this together. We are all messed up in some way. We all go through crap. You can't really compare crap...it all stinks. Sometimes the smallest crap stinks the worst. Sometimes it all comes down to perspective. You can only do so much, and then you have to raise your hands and say Jesus take the wheel. Maybe that's what age and wisdom do for youthful zeal...they calm and steady us so that we realize what is important in life. If we could only find that perfect balance.
My friend Loyd just wrote an awesome blog about how it's not so much about our methods but our obedience. I think the lessons I'm learning now are really clicking with that sentiment. This is part of success...contentment ~ lesson one for those of you who have followed. Do what your hands are given to do with all of your might, whatever that may be...like it or not.
I'm happy - almost deliriously happy. Grace, acceptance, attitude, determination, delirium...call it what you will. At least it's not the pit of despair.

Still cleaning up the crap, but doing it with a smile!

Simply Amazing

Tonight I was lucky enough to be able to go on a date with my husband. As usual, I was left with the decision of what movie to see. I chose "Amazing Grace", the story of William Wilberforce and the abolition of the slave trade. I really wanted to see this movie on the big screen, and let me just say that I am so very glad that I did! I don't remember the last time that I have seen a movie that was so moving and inspiring. So, before I continue, let me just say that if you haven't seen it, you need to see it. If you have no plans to see it, rearrange your plans...NOW.
I must admit that my own current life situation has greatly affected how I saw the movie and now how I am responding to this movie. The writers, directors and actors did an amazing job of showing how Wilberforce's destiny was never completely in his own hands. It was an awesome thing to see how God used others to propel him towards his destiny from the time he was boy, through college, through his early years in government and ultimately to his marriage and the passing of the bill to abolish the slave trade. In light of this, I must say that while I left this movie personally inspired about the destiny that God has for me, I was also deeply moved by Wilberforce's wife.

I consider myself to still be quite new at this wifey thing. That's probably because I am. But, when you add children into the mix, there is a whole different set of things to be concerned with and about. Lately though, my heart's cry has been to learn how to be a better wife, to learn how to support, uplift, pray for and truly partner with my husband. I know that the movie shows a shallow portrait of what their life was together, but she was truly one of the inspiring forces that moved Wilberforce along towards the destiny that God had designed for him. In this new age of women's liberation and equality, it sometimes feels to me to be such a fine line that I walk between this strength and this "submission" that God's word speaks about. My prayers have centered so much around understanding the balance that Wilberforce's wife seemed to possess. Granted, I do realize that this was only a movie. But, it seems to me that there was so much more there.

On another note, it led me to the thoughts of how intertwined our destinies are. Wilberforce was the voice for nation, but was his wife's voice any less just because it was not the vocal piece that was seen. It was obvious to me that without Newton, Pitt, Barbara (his wife), he would not have succeeded. But, oh how hard it can be to be the one in the background (and is it truly the background or is that just how our views have evolved ~ or become warped might be a better use of terms). Some people don't have a problem with this. In fact, it seems to be natural for them, almost to the point of seeming like oppression. Needless to say, I think every day things are happening in my life that are leading me to ask some not so easy questions with not so easy or comfortable answers.
But, I recently read someone who said this, "one aspect about growth is that it is often painful. That pain can also lead to many questions such as, "Lord, is this really You?", "What did I do wrong?", "What are You trying to tell me?", and "What will happen if I stop?" Sometimes, the thing to do is to press past the questions (as opposed to insisting that they be answered prior to taking another step), do the thing at hand, and trust that every question will be answered in the right time." This phrase has helped me more than anything else I've heard/read in a long time. Sometimes I think we spend so much time looking for the answers that we forget what we are supposed to be doing. In turn, we stunt our growth and become haunted by the things we didn't do. My point, I think it is just this that differentiates those who fulfill their detiny from those lie dormant. Wilberforce is the perfect example of one who pushed past the questions to achieve that God-given destiny. I too want to be that person, and I want to accept that destiny in the form that it comes, whether it be the mouth piece or the inspiration behind it. If the movie is true to his memoir, then Wilberforce is also proof that great people don't sleep. There is something to be said for making the most of the time we are given.
Amazing Grace is full of terrific one liners and sermon topics. With all the good stuff inside, I could possibly take up preaching. I wouldn't run out of material for a while. The movie was also proof that an annointed song crosses the boundaries of time, music genres, etc. Hearing that song throughout the movie was so powerful. Every time it played I got chills. Of course, maybe there is still just enough tradition in me to appreciate it so much. I tend to believe the former to be more true. It was a statement of what true greatness is about. And, of course, the underlying themes that I have expounded on above. I'm no movie critic, but I think this is one of those timeless movies that is somehow able to speak to each person where they are currently and will continue to speak to generations to come.
So, if you're on the Dave Ramsey plan, pull out your entertainment money, break open the piggy bank...heck, bust open the emergency fund if you must...this is one movie you just don't need to miss!

Frame Not Broken, Cover ~ It's Destroyed

If you have been to our house, you know how much we love our deck and gazebo. Today, the cover to the gazebo is no more. I'm going to try and call the company to see if we can get a new one. The frame and mosquito netting seem to be no worse for the wear. I know that we are very lucky. 13 people in Alabama are dead. We are alive. Besides, we can always get another gazebo.

It's amazing what the gazebo has withstood. It is over two years old. We have had bad thunderstorms, high winds, tornadoes and even hurricanes before. I guess this time, it had just had enough. It needed to show that though it is tough on the inside, the outside couldn't hide what it's been through any more. I know it's just a gazebo. But, haven't we all felt that way ourselves sometimes. The awesome thing is that the frame is strong and is still standing ~ good as new.

I tried to convince myself not to make any comparisons and just tell the story for what it is, but I have already failed. So for those of you whose minds don't work this way, just stop reading or bear with me. This is just me. It's the way my mind works. It doesn't mean I'm too serious or don't have a fun side. It just means that while I accept things for what they are, it is always neat to see how they relate to other things in life. Whew...glad I got that off my chest!

Anyway, if you are feeling tattered and torn (basically shredded to pieces), maybe it's time for you to get a new cover. The framework is still strong and the same. You just need to take on something new so that people appreciate your strength and don't think that you are falling apart just because your cover is worn.
That said, I'm very sad for the people in other places who are mourning their losses this morning. I'm thankful that all I lost was the cover to my gazebo. The worst case scenario ~ I lose my gazebo, and we have to play in the sun. Hopefully, I'll be able to get a new cover. If not, maybe we can save up for a new one. If your cover is destroyed, let's hope your framework is not!

Defining Success

So, I have been thinking a lot about this idea lately. I'm 33, and I'm not sure that I have ever defined this for myself. I think this was brought on by two things. At Christmas, someone told me that they thought that I didn't know what I wanted. Second, a couple of weeks ago, I heard a man say that when he was asked to give his definition of success, his response was simply "peace". Also, I've had this strange revelation of late regarding people who are "strange" or any word you could use to describe someone who walks to a different beat so to speak. What I find is that these people have a tendency to be happy. I think that they are at peace with themselves. That is saying more than I can for a lot of people that I know.

WHAT IS YOUR DEFINITION OF SUCCESS? HAVE YOU SUCCEEDED IN REACHING YOUR SUCCESS?

I'm still working this out. I will get back to you with an answer, but I'd like to know what you think. I do know this. I don't buy into all this mumbo jumbo about planning your life to death. I do realize that without a vision the people perish, but I think there is more to it than just planning your life out on paper. I think that takes something away from the other scripture about walking by faith. More often than not, our plans just fail or we spend our time working toward a goal, yet always falling short (though not failing) and always feeling like we just don't cut it (and coming up unhappy in the end).

All of these thoughts have been brought on by a statement that has captured me - "Are you working toward what God has for you to do or are you striving?" Are the things that we are doing really what we are called to work at or is it just a good idea that will leave us striving? Right now I don't have an answer. I just know that I need some change in my life and some answers.

So, you can help me in this process. Answer my questions, dialouge with me, be the body of Christ with me, challenge me (yes, I really did ask for it!). A friend of mine gave up being negative for lent. I think I want to give it up forever. For more details read my previous blog "My Knee is Broken" if you need to get caught up. Ok, well it's off to the routine. For once though, I had to write. There was no excuse good enough to put this off. I look forward to your responses.

My Body is a Masterpiece

A little over a week ago, I was working on support letters for the people at church who are taking missions trips this summer. I had put Belle down for her nap about 30 minutes earlier. Normally, she drifts off to sleep. It's like a picture perfect story from the tale "Night Before Christmas". I'm thinking that visions of sugar plums are dancing in her head (more like visions of Ariel, Aurora and Belle), when what to my wondering eyes should appear but a naked little girl full of great cheer. She was colored with marker from head to toe - mustache around her lips, dots on her nose. But that is not the end of this tale you see, she had colored her feet, her bum and her boobies. So much composure I tried to retain, but alas I could not - laughter and tears fell like rain. I put up the markers and chastised her well, put her back to bed and all was well. She drifted off to sleep, my laughter remained and one day she'll read this story with disdain. Why do you ask? I'll tell you why. These are great stories to tell all the guys!

PS - This photo is another one of her coloring days. It's obvious...she loves lipstick.

Making a Shift

MySpace...

Well, I have decided to transition my blog from MySpace to a "real" blog site. I have moved my original postings, and they are all dated February 16th, regardless of when I originally wrote them.
I'm trying to be more tech savvy. I'm not sure that will ever really happen. And, I envy my friend Nic who is reading 12 books all at once. I have a hard time reading one. I'd like to blame it on a certain infant and toddler that I know, but it is more likely that I just haven't decided to make the time. Something always seems to need cleaning, folded, washed, etc.
None the less, I find blogging (and reading other's blogs) to be somewhat cathartic. Someone described it as eating a cheeseburger with a friend, minus all the fat and calories. So, maybe you'll get to know me better. Maybe I'll get to know you better. Maybe we'll just keep up on one another's lives. I don't really know. I do know that when I write, I feel better. For now, that is my goal...a new writing habit. Not such a bad goal...there are worse things in life, right?

My Knee is Broken (A.K.A. - Anonymous Confessions of My Lunatic Friend)

So, what is a woman to do when she is supposed to sleeping, but she just can't. I'm supposed to be sharing a room with my daughter tonight so that I won't be awakened by my "still not sleeping through the night at 8 months" son. At this point, I'm really hoping that I don't get scolded for being up so late when I'm supposed to be "resting". But you see, this is the problem...

I'm in Orlando. It's the holiday. I had pumpkin pie and Starbucks for dinner. My son has been asleep since 8pm (barring a few waking incidents due to noisy neighbors shooting off 250 ft. rolls of lady fingers and God himself only knows how many bottle rockets). My brother, being the gentleman that he is, brought me popcorn and a Dr.Pepper. I couldn't bring myself to eat the popcorn, but I couldn't refuse the Dr. Pepper. His thoughtfulness was too sweet, and since Brian isn't here, I thought it best to drink one in his honor this New Years eve.

As if the caffeine were not enough to keep me awake, shortly after midnight my daughter is somehow awake and screaming at the top of her lungs. When I finally get to the room, she is standing in the pack'n'play. I asked her what was wrong. She replies through her sobbing and tears, "Mommy, my knee is broken." I quickly reply, "Do you want me to get you a hot towel?" "Yes Mommy." "Grandma is the best at making hot towels. I will have her to get you one." The screaming continues, despite all my efforts to console her, until the hot towel arrives. Two seconds later, all is well, and she is practically asleep before I can even ask if she feels better. And suddenly, my mind is somewhere 25 years ago reminiscing about all the hot towels I had to have to ease the growing pains in my own legs.

Of course, then I have to recall the years that follow ~ along with all their joys, triumphs, sorrows, pains...you get the point. I suppose that a New Year is the perfect time to look back at what was, remember the good and do our best to forget the bad.

Seeing that I'm starting to get older (notice I did not say "old"!), I realize that I forget a lot of the details of life, and the intensity of some of the things I felt isn't so strong anymore. In light of that, I must admit that it seems to me that 2006 was one of the hardest years I ever remember having (if not the hardest). As I continue to try to work through it all in my mind, I find myself mostly wanting to just forget - forgive and forget.

In my awake state, I thought tonight would be a great time to update my profile song on MySpace. In looking, I came across the song "Love Takes Time". I can't get it off of my mind. It goes something like this...(please, just humor me and read it!)

Have you ever been lied to, maybe mistreated.
Taken for granted till you just can't stand it.
Were you ever mistaken, thought to be someone
That you just can't be, with the love you need
Love takes time, please be kind, see every part of me
Love's not blind, ties that bind, take on eternity
Would you like to be trusted, for once in your life.
Carry that fire, without burnin' each other
Are you easily angry, can you bury your pride
Could you ever forgive me, and not keep it inside
Make a sacrifice sometimes, maybe more than you planned
I know we don't like the pain it takes to make a stand
A hard heart or a heartache, to admit that you're wrong
Though it's hard, it hardly matters if that love is strong
Make a sacrifice sometimes...
I think this song might possibly encompass all the emotion I have felt this year. So, for now, it is my theme song for the New Year. I think it truly encompasses so much more than a New Years resolution. It is a reckoning to be the Christ follower that He has called me to be.

So, follow the lyrics along with me...

I will forgive and do my darndest to forget.

I will no longer mistake myself for someone I am not, even if others do. (If you find my lunatic friend, please be nice!)

I will do my best to be kind, and try to do the same justice for others that I am doing for myself...I will do my best not to mistake them for someone that they are not.

I consider myself (and I know others that do as well) to be very trustworthy. I want to take that to the next level.

The fire part...I'll come back to that!

I don't want to be angry anymore.

I want to bury my pride (for a lot of reasons).

I want to give and receive true forgiveness.

I want to rid myself of the hard heart and heartache I feel I have had in 2006.

Mark this one down! I can willingly admit that in 2006 I have been wrong. When I am wrong, I'll try to keep this admitting thing going this year.

He gave the ultimate sacrifice, it's time I gave mine completely as well. It is so easy to just give bits and pieces, especially in our American pop culture...but that is another blog all together.

(Now, back to the fire part) More than anything this year, I want to carry the fire without burning someone else. And, in selfishness, I'd kind of like a break on being burned.

I guess this is a pretty tall order. There are no guarantees, just a promise that I hear ringing in my head in Belle's sweet voice..."With God, all things are possible". Hearing a two year old quote scripture ought to be enough to bring anyone to tears!

Again, these aren't New Years Resolutions. They are things I have pondered in my heart for quite some time now. Those closest to me know just how much.

This phrase has often gotten on my nerves, but somehow tonight it seems appropriate - Daddy God, my knee is broken...(a.k.a. - I still have growing pains and need a hot towel to make it better).

I should be sleeping. Can you see why I'm not?

Woman With an Issue

It seems that we all have issues. The worst kind are the ones you think you've cancelled, but they just keep showing up on your doorstep with a cover saying "renew now or this will be your final issue". The only problem is that it never seems to be the final issue. Does anyone know what I'm talking about?
Well, there was a woman in the Bible with a different kind of issue. She bled constantly for years. In that time, there was no reprieve. In fact, she couldn't love her husband, sleep in her own bed, pack her kids lunches, hug them & send them off to school. No, she had to live outside the city walls in a box and cry "unclean, unclean". How depressing! The gospel of Mark (chapter 5) tells us that she spent all the money she had on doctors, but only became worse. She had no hope of becoming better. But, she had faith. She said if she could only touch Jesus garment, she would be well.
Jesus and his disciples were on their way to a rich rulers house when the woman came from behind and clutched his garment and kept on clutching it. Jesus knew that someone had touched him and asked who it was. When the woman replied, he told her that her faith had made her whole. The glory of Christ was revealed. And, while her healing was a great miracle, the greatest miracle was that her pain resulted in helping the multitudes recognized who Christ really was.
You've heard the story; now listen. We all have issues. Your issue may or may not be medical. It might be something that you feel like you have wrestled with for years. Have you have spent all your time, energy and maybe even money (going to counselors, maybe?!) trying to rid yourself of your issue? It might be that you need to just have the faith to reach out and touch the risen Christ. Or, have you ever stopped to think that maybe, just maybe what you are wrestling with is exactly what God intended in order to reveal Christ to others? Remember, legitimate healing comes not so much in believing or having faith that you will be healed, but in believing in the risen Christ, the healer, who died so that you might be whole.
You see, unlike us, God has the ability to see and know what is best for each of his children all at the same time. What may seem a painful and unending issue for you and me, may be the one thing that in the end will set someone else free. What may not seem "fair" to us is actually the father's loving hand hard at work.
God is not finite like we are. He has tomorrow's answers before you've even thought of tomorrow's questions.
So, chew on that for a while.

Wrestling With God

That is what I feel my life has been consumed with of late. From what I can see, there are two kinds of wrestling with God. The first is the kind of wrestling we do when we don't want to give in to the direction or plan that God has for our life. The second is the kind of wrestling that Jacob did in Genesis 32. The second is what I want to talk about tonight.
For those of you who don't know the story or need a refresher course, Jacob was preparing to meet his brother Esau (whom he had robbed of his rights as firstborn). He was afraid and had sent his servants ahead with offerings to try and soften him up. Night had come. Jacob sent his wives, maids and children on ahead of him. Jacob was alone. He wrestled with God all night. As dawn came near, God dislocated Jacob's thigh. He told Jacob to let him go, but he said that he would not let go until God blessed him. It was this night that Jacob was given the name Israel (meaning "he struggles with God") and became the father of the great nation into which Christ was born.
The outward wrestling was a sign of the inward struggle within Jacob. How I have wished of late for my wrestling to have some type of physical mode, instead of being trapped inside. Come on, haven't you ever wanted to punch a wall or throw something or even hit someone because you thought it would make you feel better. I have. Of course, Jacob limped away with a permanent physical reminder of his great wrestling match. But, he also walked away with his blessing. God found Jacob out, and in our wrestlings (whether physical or internal), he finds us out too!
This wrestling is a sort of divine discontent that is pulling us, drawing us to give up certain things, to change certains ways that we are and operate even though it may cost us everything, even our lives. God wrestles in us to accomplish His will and purpose.
What we must be sure of is that we are wrestling for the right purpose. Right now, I'm not certain if I'm wrestling for the right reasons. But, I do know this...God is working on me none the less because I'm recognizing so many things about myself that I'm not sure I would have been ready to face before. Part of this relates to my previous blog about friends who wound us. In being reminded of who I am, I have also realized the parts of me that I have lost that I should not have lost. So, now I am left to find them.
If you are wrestling tonight, I challenge you to ask yourself why. Are you wrestling with God because you are bucking against His will for your life? Or, are you wrestling because God is moving you to a new place in Him? And, perhaps in the midst of wrestling for the wrong reasons, you can change your course and wrestle for the right ones.
Matthew 5:8 says, "Blessed are the pure in heart for they will see God". Jacob said that he had seen God, and his life was preserved. May we be pure in heart. May we see God. May we wrestle for all the right reasons. And in the end, may we be changed to be more like Him. After all, isn't that the goal?!

Some People Just Don't Get It

Or me either for that matter. Have you ever felt that way? Sometimes, I feel that way more often than not. But, I thank God for the people that do get "it" and me! If you are a Christian, you might have heard it termed "kindred spirit" or something to that effect. Regardless, these are people that somehow we are just able to connect with and share life with (and the harsh realities that often come with it!).
That is why the community of faith is so important. When we go through hard times (or even easy times), it can become easy or comfortable to isolate ourselves, tell half truths or only reveal part of ourselves because we don't want to disclose the reality of our lives. The older I get, the more I realize how difficult it is to make true friends. That is why I am so thankful for my old standbys. These are the friends who have gone throught "the fire" with me, if you know what I mean. And, I am doubly thankful for the people I have met in recent years who are becoming my friends. I am closer to some than others, but know that there is plenty of fire around to help strengthen the new ones.
Friendship is not a passing fad. True friendship is hard to come by. It takes work and vulnerability on both sides of the fence. True friendship can never occur if only one person is willing. So, work hard at the things that are important. For instance, MySpace has been a great place to reconnect with a lot of acquaintances. But, the truth is, I never needed MySpace to keep up with those people who were truly my friends. (I must admit that I love being able to see my friends day to day lives on a more regular basis, instead of just thumbing through photos when we are together or using my imagination in long phone conversations.)
The nice thing about true friends is that they see beyond the surface. They hear past words to hear what you are really saying. They read what you write, but know the intent of your heart. They sense even when we are silent. And, true friends hold you accountable. They share their sorrows and their joys.
I have had two precious conversations with two of my best friends recently. During one conversation, I cried. I didn't cry out of sadness, but because someone "got me". They knew what made me tick, made me angry, made me smile and were able to listen and know my heart. The second was quick. We simply shared in the joy of God's blessing in her life. You see, that's the thing. With true friends, you share the junk and joy. And, if you share the junk, you must share the joy!
Sometimes in the hustle of life, it becomes easy to lose who you are. I am convinced that most discontent in our lives does not come out of our life situation, but in that we have allowed our life situations to alter who we are at the core. We trade grace for judgement. We trade joy for anger. We trade the true love of Christ for bitterness. We lose who we are and that is where the frustration with life comes from. True friends remind us of who we are and challenge us not to bargain with who we are. Proverbs 27:6 says, "Faithful are the wounds of a friend." Sounds funny, right?. If you read verse 5, it tells us that an open rebuke is better than love concealed. So, it goes to say that sometimes it hurts when friends are honest, but in the end it is for the best.
In our society, we tend to expect/want the quick and easy. Nothing worth having is ever quick or easy or free. True friendship has a price. True friendship requires an infinite amount of work. And, when you grow up and move away, it can get expensive (long distance phone calls, packages, visits across country). True friendship is worth every dime, every sacrifice and more.
To my dear friends (and you know who you are), thank you. I know that you know how much I love you. Thank you for holding me accountable. Thank you for reminding me what is important in life. Thank you for reminding me who I am at my core. Thank you for reminding of dreams that sometimes seem long gone. Thank you for telling me not to eat that second roll. Thank you for "getting it" and me.
To my new and up-and-coming friends, thank you for taking a chance. I truly hope that one day we will have all that I have mentioned above. I hope one day we have stories to reminisce over. I hope we will have journey, chicken salad and dr. thunder to make us smile (if you even remotely understood that, you are well on your way to getting to know me!).
Some people just don't get it...Do you?