Good-Bye Tallahassee

For those of you who know (and now those of you who didn't know) we are about 1 month into our transition into a new life. At the end of May, we moved from Tallahassee. We have now been in Orlando for about 1 month. I thought the month would move slowly, but it has gone incredibly fast. July is almost here and I'm not quite sure where the time has gone. These are the last photos we took the day we left. The kids just had to run back and look in the bedroom windows.
The transition has been a little bit more difficult on Belle than I had imagined. She has missed her friends and wanted the stability of her own home, room and toys. So, we talk a lot about storage and our new house and dream of the new friends that we might get to live by. Ashton has been a ball of laughter. His laugh has been a saving grace. And, playing with my kids has taken on brand new joy.
Times like these inevitably make me realize and cherish what is truly important in life, and also help me to let go of those that I know are only temporary. I have once again come to a place of understanding that helping to carry someone else's burden eases your own.
I think overall I underestimated how difficult it would be to leave Tallahassee. But, I am thankful, hopeful and excited for all the wonderful things that are in store. I know it sounds like a cliche, but I believe that God's timing is perfect and that He knows exactly what He is doing. So, good-bye Tallahassee. Hello new life.

How Far We've Come...

Tomorrow is our 5th anniversary. In some ways, it seems so short and in others, it seems like an eternity. I always explain our courtship (if you can call it that) and marriage like a roller coaster ride. For 30 years (give or take a few months for both of us), we were on the ride up the first hill. Our marriage was the peak of the first hill, and so far the rest has been a fast ride. We moved from Cleveland to Tallahassee when I was pregnant with our first child, Belle. Since then, Ashton came along, and aside from children, life has posed all sorts of trials and joys. If you are married with children, I'm sure that you understand what I'm talking about.
I could come up with a few profound things to say and maybe wow you with some words or poetic statements. But, instead, I just want to say Happy Anniversary to us! I am thankful for my husband. He is a hard-working man who loves Jesus and his family. Belle and Ashton adore him, and though he can frustrate me like no one else, I adore him too! Whether times are good or bad, it is comforting to know that someone is there with you and there to hold your hand. Thank God for good husbands who aren't totally self-consumed and think about others as much as they do themselves. They do exist, and I caught one. Wahooie!
Happy Anniversary, Brian. I love you. I am with you. I believe in you, even when you don't believe in yourself (and this works vice versa too!). Here is to the beginning. We are still in the beginning, and I look forward to the years to come with a hopeful and grateful heart.

New Drama - Here's the Cast...Literally

So, my baby boy is in a cast for the next 4 weeks. As a mother, I'm heartbroken and probably in much more pain than he is. His leg is not broken. The bone is bent. A simple way of explaining the details is to say that the cast will make sure that it doesn't get broken and heals properly. For some reason, they think toddlers don't know how to stay still! ;)
Anyway, the tech who put on Ashton's cast said that from what he saw of his personality, the cast would not hold him back at all. One evening has proven that to be true. Within an hour of being home, he was up and running (as best he could) and climbing around as if nothing was wrong.

We are trying to make the best of it. The doctor explained it to him. We've always just talked to our kids as if they understood everything we were saying anyway. He has this new little "walker" to help him get around. It's basically a very wide velcro shoe that goes over his cast. We've told him this is his new sock and shoe for the next 4 weeks. He was fine with it until bedtime. Then Dad had to explain why this one doesn't come off.
Honestly, the most distressing part of this whole ordeal is that Ashton will miss his nightly bath. Every night in the middle of dinner Ashton begins his spiel about the "big, big, big bath tub". It is a nightly ritual that usually last 30 minutes or more. It is full of bubbles and boats, and just Saturday he got a new Leo and Rocket (from the Little Einsteins for those of you who are toddler challenged) bath tub toy. Needless to say, I'm sure we will be counting the nights until bath time can begin again. At least Brian won't be cleaning up poop! (Please see "Life is Messy" for the full details).
As part of the ritual, we took pictures. I have included most of them. Belle and I also took pictures of our "not in casts" feet. To which Belle concluded that we all have "not pretty" feet...except for her!
Let me close with an apology. This blog is certainly not in my usual style of writing. But, I've had a day. And, at this point, being coherent is just not an option.
If you are coherent, then say a prayer for my little man. We'll keep you posted!

No Creative Titles, Just Wanted to Say I'm Back

So, it's been a 9 month hiatus. We'll I'm back. At least I hope to be. I've got a Friday study day and lots of things rumbling in this head and heart of mine. Besides, I have two kids, a husband, lots of school work, house work...you get the picture. Anyway, I've got time on my hands. So look for me. I've got some things to say about motherhood, Christianity (mine in particular), school and this great family I call my own. Hopefully, I have been gone, but not forgotten. See you in the funny papers! My Dad used to say that...never thought it was funny before tonight.

Jesus is for Losers

Do you ever find yourself caught in this internal conflict of the haves and have nots of life. Come on, don't you ever sit in this pitty party of how "poor" you are compared this person or that person - thinking of all things you don't have, or could have or should have or "deserve"? I do. I think it's only natural human nature. Do you ever do things just because it's the right thing to do, but with anger or bad motives in your heart or to gain the respect of someone that you consider "important"? Be honest. I know that I have and sometimes still do. And so, in our attempts to "gain" respect, wealth, fame, appreciation or simply feel validated, we become something that ends up not looking very much like Christ at all. We spend so much time doing and getting that we forget to stop and ask the most important questions. Stop and ask yourself why you are doing the things you do.
The fact is that compared to most of the world, we are "rich". The fact is we are proud. The fact is we relish in this seeming control that we have over our lives. We are fascinated with Hollywood, with the rich, the famous and we forget our place. The fact is that we are all wretched, saved by the grace of an infinitely loving and merciful God. We get so caught up in the rat race of life (and even of ministry) that we forget where we came from and forget what it truly means to be Christian. He calls us to come just as we are.
I'm not asking you to sell all you have and give the money to the poor, although that's not a bad idea and Jesus did ask that of someone once. What I am asking you to do is stop wallowing. Be thankful for what you do have, which is more than most. I am asking you to reconsider what is a need and what is a want. I am asking you to find a person in need. I am asking to you to stop and ask yourself why you are doing the things that you do. Are you doing them to get rich or get a title or get some kind of acclaim? And I'm asking this of you, because I'm asking myself. And, I'm asking myself because I think scripture is clear that God asks it of all of us.
In Luke 4:14-21, Jesus begins His public ministry. He said, 18"THE SPIRIT OF THE LORD IS UPON ME, BECAUSE HE ANOINTED ME TO PREACH THE GOSPEL TO THE POOR. HE HAS SENT ME TO PROCLAIM RELEASE TO THE CAPTIVES, AND RECOVERY OF SIGHT TO THE BLIND,TO SET FREE THOSE WHO ARE OPPRESSED, 19 TO PROCLAIM THE FAVORABLE YEAR OF THE LORD." He is quoting Isaiah and talking about being the fulfillment of these words, and He has anointed us to do the same. In Psalms and Proverbs alone there are well over 250 verses talking about His justice and provision for the poor, the needy, the oppressed (if you want an exhaustive list, I'll give it to you).
So, stop and think. What is it time for you to give up? Do your motives need an overhaul? I know mine do all the time. I've read a lot of scripture this week. And, it has really challenged me and reminded me of where I came from and how very much I do have. Amazing grace how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me.
It's simple. Jesus is for losers.

The News of My Impending Death

This is shout out to the women who sacrifice so much to make the lives of others so rich!

The news of my impending death came at a really bad time for me (thanks Steve for letting me borrow this great line!). I have a great husband and children who are practically perfect in every way. I have a church, which I love, and friends whom I adore. And, in some way, all of these people or things depend on me for something. So, you can see why this news might distress me. (Now before you start spreading rumors and calling the church to find out exactly what is wrong, please keep reading. I promise I'll give you all the details!)

What is the first thing you do when you realize you're dying (as if you haven't heard the song)? You think of all things you want to do. You want to reclaim the Joie de Vivre (Joys of Life). You reevaluate what is most important. You get ready to meet your maker.

For those of you who don't know, I am currently in Cleveland, TN. I am away from my home, my husband and my children. For the first time in over 3 years, I am spending some serious alone time. And, unlike my husband who has come to dislike his alone time, I am LOVING EVERY MINUTE OF IT! In the past three+ years of my life, I have not spent more than 6 to 8 alone. As women, this is not an uncommon thing. We have priorities, responsibilities. But, we also have a responsibility to ourselves. This, you see, is why the news of my impending death was so unnerving.

We all need time to be alone, to reflect, to recharge, to think, to play, to laugh, to listen to the music we like, to watch the tv shows we want to watch, to jump on the bed, to sing into your hairbrush while watching yourself in the mirror {not that I'm doing these things...I'm just giving examples ;)}, to BREATHE, to reconnect with old friends, to make new friends, to find new definition for our lives.

IT IS SINFUL to neglect ourselves, our own mental and spiritual well-being the way that we do - or at least the way that I do. And, the fact is that we do it with such great intentions and because there is such great need. But, we do it to our own detriment and to the detriment of those around us.

I know, I know...the death thing. That is why I'm in Cleveland. Both Brian and I realized that I was dying inside. I was losing the essential elements that made me the woman I am today. I needed to find them and me. And, you need to take time to do the same. If you neglect yourself, you will find that you are in the same position. The honest truth is that just like me, you will start not to like yourself, and when this happens, you will wonder how others can like you. When you come to the realization, you will be mad at yourself for losing those precious parts of you that made you unique and lovable. Then, you will be angry at others for not calling you on it and challenging you to come out of it. Then you just end up bitter, depressed and lonely and that sucks. Who wants to live that way? I certainly don't! So, I guess that's my job today - to challenge you to move. I'm not saying that you have to go 7 hours away and spend 5 days by yourself. But, you should probably take a day or two, or even a weekend and get away by yourself or with your girlfriends and reflect on who you were, who you are and who you want to be and are called to be.

I am not hard wired to be confined within the four walls of my house. Nor am I hard wired to only talk about the "wifely" and "motherly" duties I perform. And, the fact is, I don't think that most of you are either. I want to go and do and learn and laugh and love and find beauty, joy and ordinary things to be thankful for everyday. LISTEN TO WHAT I AM SAYING. God has called me and God has called you and He has called us to perform acts of service in His kingdom. And, we as women must take time alone for ourselves to find out exactly what that is! Don't get lost out there. Don't lose yourself. Ask for help. I did.

It's like I was a person who was living but without enough oxygen. For me, this trip is like being hooked up to oxygen tank. I feel rejuvenated, full of life, even giddy. I was talking to Brian today and kept asking me, "Are you giggling? Why are you giggling?". I just kept saying, "I don't know. I guess I just thought it was funny." Proverbs 17:22 says, "A joyful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit dries up the bones."



Lord, I'm thirsty - we're thirsty. Take me (us) to the waterfall. Ask the Lord to give you a holy vision of your mission that plays like a DVD in your head over and over. I am. I am reclaiming who I am. Find out who you are again.

I'd hate to hear of the news of your impending death...

Jesus Take the Wheel

I constantly have ideas rambling through my head that I would love to blog about. Rarely do I actually make the time to sit down and write. I suppose this is some type of flaw in my nature or rather just a way of prioritizing that reflects where my life is currently.
Anyway, I'm reading a lot of books right now...Blue Like Jazz, Velvet Elvis, Battlefield of the Mind, Get out of that Pit. Let me just say, while I enjoy listening to Joyce Meyers now and then, I am really having trouble reading her book. It's not that her conclusions are necessarily wrong, but her means of getting to them is utterly annoying. They follow no pattern of legitimate study, but random cross referencing of different versions (interpretations) of the Bible. Maybe I'm being an academic snob. I'm trying not to be. At least I haven't given up reading it all together. Blue Like Jazz is great reading. So far, I'm a big fan of his writing style. I'm only a chapter into Velvet Elvis. I have yet to make any conclusions. Although, my first observation is his poignant use of analogy.
Ok. So, other than that, I've discovered an amazing thing about God's grace. Well, I say God's grace. Let me explain. Just when you think things can't get any worse, the sinking ship gets another hole (how's that for analogy). So, I'm not sure if it's God's grace, denial or an acceptance that this is life and who wants to live life unhappy or feeling like it's always a struggle. That is why I use the analogy of the sinking ship with another hole. When the ship is going under anyway, does one more hole really matter all that much or make the ship sink any faster. Personally, I think not. It may be delirium, but I choose to think that this hole is allowing the water that's in the boat to seep out, thus making the ship sink less quickly. A-HA! It is my hope that the dreary posts of the beginning of this year will be replaced with much lighter and enjoyable observations about life. This is life. I think I agree with anyone who says that life is 90% attitude and 10% what happens to you. Life isn't changing much around here. I'm not sure that life does...Solomon was wise, he didn't seem to think it changed much at all. I think life changes when we see it differently. We are all in this together. We are all messed up in some way. We all go through crap. You can't really compare crap...it all stinks. Sometimes the smallest crap stinks the worst. Sometimes it all comes down to perspective. You can only do so much, and then you have to raise your hands and say Jesus take the wheel. Maybe that's what age and wisdom do for youthful zeal...they calm and steady us so that we realize what is important in life. If we could only find that perfect balance.
My friend Loyd just wrote an awesome blog about how it's not so much about our methods but our obedience. I think the lessons I'm learning now are really clicking with that sentiment. This is part of success...contentment ~ lesson one for those of you who have followed. Do what your hands are given to do with all of your might, whatever that may be...like it or not.
I'm happy - almost deliriously happy. Grace, acceptance, attitude, determination, delirium...call it what you will. At least it's not the pit of despair.

Still cleaning up the crap, but doing it with a smile!

Simply Amazing

Tonight I was lucky enough to be able to go on a date with my husband. As usual, I was left with the decision of what movie to see. I chose "Amazing Grace", the story of William Wilberforce and the abolition of the slave trade. I really wanted to see this movie on the big screen, and let me just say that I am so very glad that I did! I don't remember the last time that I have seen a movie that was so moving and inspiring. So, before I continue, let me just say that if you haven't seen it, you need to see it. If you have no plans to see it, rearrange your plans...NOW.
I must admit that my own current life situation has greatly affected how I saw the movie and now how I am responding to this movie. The writers, directors and actors did an amazing job of showing how Wilberforce's destiny was never completely in his own hands. It was an awesome thing to see how God used others to propel him towards his destiny from the time he was boy, through college, through his early years in government and ultimately to his marriage and the passing of the bill to abolish the slave trade. In light of this, I must say that while I left this movie personally inspired about the destiny that God has for me, I was also deeply moved by Wilberforce's wife.

I consider myself to still be quite new at this wifey thing. That's probably because I am. But, when you add children into the mix, there is a whole different set of things to be concerned with and about. Lately though, my heart's cry has been to learn how to be a better wife, to learn how to support, uplift, pray for and truly partner with my husband. I know that the movie shows a shallow portrait of what their life was together, but she was truly one of the inspiring forces that moved Wilberforce along towards the destiny that God had designed for him. In this new age of women's liberation and equality, it sometimes feels to me to be such a fine line that I walk between this strength and this "submission" that God's word speaks about. My prayers have centered so much around understanding the balance that Wilberforce's wife seemed to possess. Granted, I do realize that this was only a movie. But, it seems to me that there was so much more there.

On another note, it led me to the thoughts of how intertwined our destinies are. Wilberforce was the voice for nation, but was his wife's voice any less just because it was not the vocal piece that was seen. It was obvious to me that without Newton, Pitt, Barbara (his wife), he would not have succeeded. But, oh how hard it can be to be the one in the background (and is it truly the background or is that just how our views have evolved ~ or become warped might be a better use of terms). Some people don't have a problem with this. In fact, it seems to be natural for them, almost to the point of seeming like oppression. Needless to say, I think every day things are happening in my life that are leading me to ask some not so easy questions with not so easy or comfortable answers.
But, I recently read someone who said this, "one aspect about growth is that it is often painful. That pain can also lead to many questions such as, "Lord, is this really You?", "What did I do wrong?", "What are You trying to tell me?", and "What will happen if I stop?" Sometimes, the thing to do is to press past the questions (as opposed to insisting that they be answered prior to taking another step), do the thing at hand, and trust that every question will be answered in the right time." This phrase has helped me more than anything else I've heard/read in a long time. Sometimes I think we spend so much time looking for the answers that we forget what we are supposed to be doing. In turn, we stunt our growth and become haunted by the things we didn't do. My point, I think it is just this that differentiates those who fulfill their detiny from those lie dormant. Wilberforce is the perfect example of one who pushed past the questions to achieve that God-given destiny. I too want to be that person, and I want to accept that destiny in the form that it comes, whether it be the mouth piece or the inspiration behind it. If the movie is true to his memoir, then Wilberforce is also proof that great people don't sleep. There is something to be said for making the most of the time we are given.
Amazing Grace is full of terrific one liners and sermon topics. With all the good stuff inside, I could possibly take up preaching. I wouldn't run out of material for a while. The movie was also proof that an annointed song crosses the boundaries of time, music genres, etc. Hearing that song throughout the movie was so powerful. Every time it played I got chills. Of course, maybe there is still just enough tradition in me to appreciate it so much. I tend to believe the former to be more true. It was a statement of what true greatness is about. And, of course, the underlying themes that I have expounded on above. I'm no movie critic, but I think this is one of those timeless movies that is somehow able to speak to each person where they are currently and will continue to speak to generations to come.
So, if you're on the Dave Ramsey plan, pull out your entertainment money, break open the piggy bank...heck, bust open the emergency fund if you must...this is one movie you just don't need to miss!

Frame Not Broken, Cover ~ It's Destroyed

If you have been to our house, you know how much we love our deck and gazebo. Today, the cover to the gazebo is no more. I'm going to try and call the company to see if we can get a new one. The frame and mosquito netting seem to be no worse for the wear. I know that we are very lucky. 13 people in Alabama are dead. We are alive. Besides, we can always get another gazebo.

It's amazing what the gazebo has withstood. It is over two years old. We have had bad thunderstorms, high winds, tornadoes and even hurricanes before. I guess this time, it had just had enough. It needed to show that though it is tough on the inside, the outside couldn't hide what it's been through any more. I know it's just a gazebo. But, haven't we all felt that way ourselves sometimes. The awesome thing is that the frame is strong and is still standing ~ good as new.

I tried to convince myself not to make any comparisons and just tell the story for what it is, but I have already failed. So for those of you whose minds don't work this way, just stop reading or bear with me. This is just me. It's the way my mind works. It doesn't mean I'm too serious or don't have a fun side. It just means that while I accept things for what they are, it is always neat to see how they relate to other things in life. Whew...glad I got that off my chest!

Anyway, if you are feeling tattered and torn (basically shredded to pieces), maybe it's time for you to get a new cover. The framework is still strong and the same. You just need to take on something new so that people appreciate your strength and don't think that you are falling apart just because your cover is worn.
That said, I'm very sad for the people in other places who are mourning their losses this morning. I'm thankful that all I lost was the cover to my gazebo. The worst case scenario ~ I lose my gazebo, and we have to play in the sun. Hopefully, I'll be able to get a new cover. If not, maybe we can save up for a new one. If your cover is destroyed, let's hope your framework is not!

Defining Success

So, I have been thinking a lot about this idea lately. I'm 33, and I'm not sure that I have ever defined this for myself. I think this was brought on by two things. At Christmas, someone told me that they thought that I didn't know what I wanted. Second, a couple of weeks ago, I heard a man say that when he was asked to give his definition of success, his response was simply "peace". Also, I've had this strange revelation of late regarding people who are "strange" or any word you could use to describe someone who walks to a different beat so to speak. What I find is that these people have a tendency to be happy. I think that they are at peace with themselves. That is saying more than I can for a lot of people that I know.

WHAT IS YOUR DEFINITION OF SUCCESS? HAVE YOU SUCCEEDED IN REACHING YOUR SUCCESS?

I'm still working this out. I will get back to you with an answer, but I'd like to know what you think. I do know this. I don't buy into all this mumbo jumbo about planning your life to death. I do realize that without a vision the people perish, but I think there is more to it than just planning your life out on paper. I think that takes something away from the other scripture about walking by faith. More often than not, our plans just fail or we spend our time working toward a goal, yet always falling short (though not failing) and always feeling like we just don't cut it (and coming up unhappy in the end).

All of these thoughts have been brought on by a statement that has captured me - "Are you working toward what God has for you to do or are you striving?" Are the things that we are doing really what we are called to work at or is it just a good idea that will leave us striving? Right now I don't have an answer. I just know that I need some change in my life and some answers.

So, you can help me in this process. Answer my questions, dialouge with me, be the body of Christ with me, challenge me (yes, I really did ask for it!). A friend of mine gave up being negative for lent. I think I want to give it up forever. For more details read my previous blog "My Knee is Broken" if you need to get caught up. Ok, well it's off to the routine. For once though, I had to write. There was no excuse good enough to put this off. I look forward to your responses.